family

I received a free copy of “Raise the Child You’ve Got, Not the One You Want” by Nancy Rose as a member of the From Left to Write Virtual .  We had the amazing opportunity to review this book as a part of Nancy ‘ s virtual book .
I was especially interested in reading this book because as the Chewsy Kids get older, let’s just say parenting is getting a little more interesting. I don’t have teenagers yet, so I am certain that the best is yet to come, but this book challenged me to embrace them right where they are. There are things I can change about them and things that I can’t, but I want them to live in an environment where they are free to be “themselves” (whatever that means lol).

I think the struggle for many parents, including myself is we try to parent based on how we were parented and I think you have to try and find your own way. My children are not my sister and I. While they are similar, and have inherited some of the same gifts, features, tendencies, etc., they are different and my parenting approach is different than the way I was parented.
I will be honest,  this book messed me up a little bit. I had to dig up some things from my own life as a child to assess my approach as a parent and the truth is healing won’t always feel good. In this excerpt from the book Nancy discusses what it means to know your child:

“If you want to really know your child and have him open up to you, you must be emotionally present. By doing so, you give your child permission to show all of himself to you. What does it mean to be emotionally present? It means letting our children communicate all their feelings, not just the pleasant ones. It can be a challenge to be present with children who feel sad, angry, or incompetent, but it is worth the effort (and is the only way you can teach them appropriate ways to express difficult emotions). If your child senses that you want to know her thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, she will let you know in words. Let your child reveal the full picture of who she is by making it clear that you want to know everything about her and can handle whatever she has to tell you, not just the good stuff.

When parents give the impression that they do not want to know the bad stuff, their children will often express their struggles by acting out, rather than talking. Notice what your child is telling you through his behavior. For instance, if he is terrified of giving a report in front of his class, he may not necessarily tell you; what you may see instead is your child bullying his younger sibling. We should be tuning into not just what is said, but what is unsaid, perhaps as you see him having moments of quiet sadness by himself before going to school.”

I loved this because we have made it a point in our house to really know our kids. I hid so much from my mother growing up for this very reason. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her anything because she would explode from the smallest thing. She is (I feel) just learning me as an adult because now I can say what I want.

While Buckaroo and I don’t tolerate disrespect, we have opened ourselves up to allow the children to tell us how they feel…the good, bad, and the ugly. What has also helped us is creating a comfortable physical environment where the kids feel safe to be themselves. We eat dinner at the table as a family every night and we cook together at least four times a week. This takes some of the pressure off and many times the kids will start talking without even realizing it. If they want to speak to one of us alone they just ask, but it has been a blessing for us that they trust us like that even if it results in being punished or reprimanded.

We also are learning as Nancy encourages, to accept them where they are for who they are and not let them be confined to our idea of success or anyone else’s. I think that will come in time. They will define what success means to them as I have had to do, as we all at some point will do. The older kids love to cook. We have one that wants to be a chef when he is grown, but we didn’t make them cook and if they decide tomorrow that they don’t want to, we won’t die or cry. We only ask that whatever they put their minds and hearts to do, that they give it 100% and we will support it. It does not have to be something that we are directly interested in.

This book challenged me to dig into my own past and assess how my parenting has been shaped by it. I won’t say it made me feel like a bad parent, but it did give me a more nurturing perspective. At the end of the day you have to love up on the babies that you have and take the time to learn who these babies are, and if you do that you will always love them like you did when they were new and couldn’t back talk.

Chews Acceptance,

Mandi

For more information on the book visit http://nancyjrose.com/book/

Visit Nancy’s site to receive a free copy of “The Key to Understanding Your Child: The Nine Traits of the CoreSelf.”